Hello, World! So, I wasn't going to write today, just because I recently made a blog post (AND a YouTube video) but something monumental inspired me. Something I read made me think AND feel. Because guess what religious people, it's OKAY to feel! It's OKAY to have feelings and emotions; why else would God give them to us? Shortest verse in the Bible: "Jesus wept (John 11:35)." We're made in the image of the Creator, so don't you know He feels things?
You can also actually grieve the Holy Spirit. To grieve is to make one feel grief, sorrow, pain, distress, or hurt according to the Dictionary. Hmmm....Why on earth are so many "Pastors" demoralizing feelings and saying don''t listen to them? Could it be these people that are actually grieving the Holy Spirit? Don't you know your spirit moans and grieves in utterances, too deep for words, when you connect with the heart and spirit of God in prayer? (Romans 8:26). It's time we acknowledge feelings matter! Love is a feeling (and other things) isn't it?
Love is the greatest thing on the planet, which brings me to today's post. I usually avoid talking about myself too much, because vanity and pride is sin, but in some cases, it is better to share personal testimonies and grievances in order to connect with people's hearts more.
I read something today a special friend wrote, and it moved me enough to write my own ramblings on why love matters so much, but maybe from a different perspective. See, I'll be transparent with you readers for a moment. I AM a lover, not in an inappropriate way, although sometimes I forget people put up walls, I'm sorry, I mean "boundaries," :P and I may or may not cross those lines and hug people a lot and sometimes want to kiss their cheeks and greet them with a "sisterly kiss" like they do in the Bible (no, I haven't done it yet).
Haha! That being said, I love and I love deeply and a LOT. I love everyone, and sometimes I think I love the messed up, broken, confused, crazy people the most but I'm learning that doesn't mean to let them that close yet. At least until those demons are gone and those wounds healed. Nevertheless! I have so much love in my heart for people, even people I've never met, that I cry sometimes. This is really personal so please don't tell everyone :D
But yeah, I can feel God's heart for people to the point of tears, people I've never met and people I know that I see hurting and/or lost. I've been doing ministry before and just wanted to grab the person and hold them close for a moment. I did that once in New Orleans on Bourbon Street with a lady who was in tears, because her son had just died. I could literally feel her pain and started choking up myself. She looked at me befuddled that I felt it too.
I know there's something to human touch though. Jesus said "lay hands" on the sick and they'll recover. He was always "there," present in His Disciples' lives. He lived with them, walked with them, ate with them, and did life with them. Yet, we live in an Age of technology and Social Distancing, I mean Social Media. Everything is virtual and girls dress up, apply 500 layers of makeup so they become someone else just to impress sleazy boys who are already so insecure themselves and show off their own selves in a pretend world, as it is.
Nothing's real anymore. What happened to hugs, and what about John reclining on Jesus as they ate? Why is that not acceptable anymore? Why do you have to be "gay" to do that? Why? Can't we just love well? Love better? Love without fear, love without worry, love without regret. Oh yeah. I guess we're all just afraid. I'm preaching to the Choir here. See, little thing about me. While I am consumed with love for my neighbor and strangers and friends, well....
That's one thing. See it's hard out here. Confession (just because it's Valentines Day). It's hard because I can easily love people around me recklessly, wildly, and without abandon. But when it comes to letting them love me back or more specifically: being in an intimate, close, romantic relationship, well yeah. Let's talk about that just for a split second.
I love love, in case that isn't clear by now. I'm probably a little obsessed with it just because it's the most important thing ever and my heart and mind, and soul and spirit, and body and everything knows it. God IS love after all. What could matter more? Joy is fun, peace is pleasant but love, love IS and ALWAYS will be, the GREATEST of all, even above faith and hope. Love is the answer, love is the solution, love is the reason, love is it. Love wins.
So, yes back to me. Plain and simply, I've dated the wrong guys. I've chosen the most anointed, called, and big personality guys on the planet. You know the type: charming, handsome, outspoken, funny, and everyone likes them, like adores them. They get all the attention and they have a big calling on their life. Well, I had to learn the hard way that just because you're anointed, doesn't mean you're mature enough yet to be appointed.
Ya'll know this right? For example, David was anointed King as a child but he wasn't yet appointed to that position until he had grown up. We have a lot of amazing men and women of God with a high calling on their lives and anointing glory galore walking around hurt, wounded, sick, and demon-possessed. It's true. I've dated them and they were cruel to me.
See, you can be the most anointed and amazingly gifted and chosen person on the planet but if you don't grow up, both spiritually and naturally, you'll throw away everything and destroy those closest to you. I've spent my whole life around leaders, some of the most amazing and powerful people you could meet. I've even had encounters with people in high positions in ministry and I've seen it all. The Lord has shown me the weakness in man.
He's shown me the broken places in some of the most gifted men and women of God. Just look at Ravi and others who fell dramatically because something was wrong and hadn't been addressed properly. It's sad. It breaks my heart. I love these people and I want to see them restored, healed, and set free from darkness. I care for them. They matter. They're amazing.
But before they can rise up and be who they were born to be, it's so important that they grow up properly in the Lord. It's so crucial they get healing and deliverance. Sin sneaks in like a thief in the night to steal, kill, and destroy. We have to be on guard and suited up in the Armor of God. We have to ask the Lord to search our hearts, purify them, and cleanse and sanctify us from all unrighteousness, so that we may become mature men and women of God.
I have a lot of dirt on a lot of people. The Lord shows me these things. I don't ask for it. He just always has. It's as if He's warning me and reminding me. Before you become who you are destined to be, be alert, be sober-minded, renew your mind and do NOT be transformed to the patterns of this world. Be on guard, hold onto hope, keep the faith, and never give up.
Love better. Love more. Believe in impossible things, and trust Him at ALL times. Do not waver, do NOT look to the left or right, stay thankful, stay humble. These are all important lessons to be learned to grow into the woman I must be. So that brings me to the point of this nice little story. I'm learning to love myself.
It's not selfish. It's not wrong. After 4 painful years of broken, abusive relationships where I always gave more than I received, I'm learning it's okay to be kind to myself. It's okay to treat myself, to reward myself. It's okay to RECEIVE. It's okay to let them see you hurting and weak (okay still working on that one). It's okay to spoil yourself, bless yourself, and be nice.
Be nice to you. Take care of you. Don't be mean to yourself. Don't meditate on the cruel and unkind words satan spoke to you through voices that you were supposed to trust. Don't believe the lies that something is wrong with you and you need to conform because you're different. You're a risk-taker. You're brave. You're curious. You're wild. You're free. And don't let them tame you. Not ever. Be you Suzanne. Be you friend. That's what He's saying. Be you.
I always loved my neighbor more than myself. I always went above and beyond to help a hurting soul. I always put myself out there in vulnerable positions to try and rescue the lost. And I got hurt, most of the time. See, my weird struggle was never not loving people enough, it was rather failing to love myself as much as I loved them. I gave but people rarely gave back. But the Lord took care of me, through strangers funny enough, and supernaturally.
Yet, this year, as much as I don't like being single at 32 on Valentines Day (again) I vow to love myself. I vow to learn how to love myself better. To not become selfish or prideful but to do this the right way. It's okay to buy that shirt I like. It's okay to write myself that love letter or agree with the Lord when He says super nice things about me. It's okay to receive compliments. It's okay to just say "thank you," and not reject someone's kindness.
It's okay to spend money on myself. It's okay to take that trip, quit that job, and tell that person how you really feel. It's okay Suzanne. It's okay to be fearfully and wonderfully you. And this message goes to everyone out there reading this. It's okay to love, to love yourself. Do it better. Do it more. And let others love you. It's what we're made for. Love. It's what we're made for.
And in the meantime, until I marry my soulmate, have that house full of kids, travel the world together preaching the gospel and changing history, I will be content and I will be thankful. But I will never choose fear over love. Okay, at least I don't want to. So pray for me. I'll pray for you. May we always choose love. Fear is strong. But love is stronger. Love is the better way.
For those that need healing and/or hope: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTcSFqMDRB0
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