Disappointment

I have had a lot of experience with being disappointed in the last couple of years. I have had my heart broken and endured relentless sickness. I have faced physical exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and even hunger. I have had metaphorical stones thrown at me, by the people closest to me. The devil put a target on my back and tormented me day in and day out.

But today, I say "No more!" No more feeling bad, no more guilt, no more hating that I couldn't be better. No more compromising who I am. No more fear. No more pain. No more shame.

Jesus came to save, not to condemn. Jesus saved me then and He saves me now. I won't bow down to fear anymore. I won't hate that I am still single at my age anymore. I won't feel inadequate or unworthy of love anymore.

My God is bigger than my loneliness, fear, or pain. He is able to deliver me and He will. I claim it right now, today. No more waiting. For, I am tired. I am tired of hiding in the shadows waiting for a miracle. It feels comfortable here, admittedly. It feels safe, but it's a lie.

I want a husband and family, honestly probably more than anything right now. But God's timing is perfect. I have to remind myself of this. I have to be patient. I will be. I am.

Jesus loves me. He has blessed me. He has brought me through so much. I want to know the love of a partner and companion for life. God has been that for me and always will be. But I know that my relationship with Jesus has also prepared me for marriage.

I have messed up. I have fallen short. I have given into temptation. I have let the devil lead me astray at times. But no more. And even if I fail again, Jesus still loves me. He still died for me. He will lift me up, again and again and again, until I am fully mature in Him.

I am breaking up with shame, guilt, fear, sadness, and hopelessness. The devil tells me nearly every day that I missed my chance, that my life is over, and I might as well die. But I throw his lies back in his face and say, "No, that's your fate!"

So, to my friends that feel lonely or hurt, and especially those that are still single and wanting to be married, my heart is with you. My prayers are with you. The nights can be long and lonely, for me too. But we'll get through this together. I'm always here for you.

See God has a plan. God has a person for you. Even for me, even when it doesn't feel like it. And trust me, it doesn't always feel like it. I have been rejected, neglected, and abused by men but I still choose hope, as hard as that feels right now.

I want love, more than anything else. God loves me enough to give me the desires of my heart. I ask that you pray that God prepares the man He has for me and I will do the same for you. And in the meantime, no matter the disappointment of the past, let me remind you (and myself) that love is worth waiting for. It has to be.